There are great online supports to getting free from pornography, but it’s hard for me to be online at all. Do you have any suggestions?
No question that being online at all can be challenging for many of us at different points in this journey toward freedom. For that reason, many of us find it beneficial to spend periods of time completely away from any internet access (whether intermittently or in longer periods). If that’s what you need for a time, we wholeheartedly encourage you to do whatever is best.
The big question is finding out what you need to get to a place where you can live in the world around without feeling so triggered. That’s why so much of what platforms like Fortify teach and encourage, points people back to different parts of their actual life and community that might help.
One possible suggestion is to get online help with someone else, in a kind of “buddy program,” where you support each other. Because of how much that might help you find motivation in the various activities and practices, we would recommend that specifically.
If that is not possible, you could arrange to work through online support in a computer publicly available to others in your home who are supporting you. Or another option is to set up accountability and filtering software in a way that allows access to platforms like Fortify that can support your recovery. By having others aware of what you’re doing online (through accountability software), this can also be a way of accessing the internet with support.
I’m finding that it can be triggering to focus so much attention on this problem. Is there a way that constantly reminding yourself of this habit can make it worse?
Sure, it can! If the exclusive focus of someone is in avoiding pornography, urges, and triggers, it’s highly unlikely they will find lasting freedom. But if the focus can expand to include all the wonderful aspects of life that they want to preserve and restore, then pornography use just becomes one thing that they can make progress on sometimes directly – and many more times, indirectly, as other changes are made.
It’s also the case that paying concerted and focused attention on a given challenge can be essential to overcoming it. Without facing something directly, often we do not rally the energy, passion and courage necessary to find a deep and lasting change (or healing). By contrast, we often spend a great deal of time avoiding a problem and distracting ourselves with anything that will take our mind off of it.
Obviously, then, there are extremes on both ends: an extreme of avoidance and an extreme of obsessive attention. Neither of those ends are healthy, and we advocate something more in the middle – where we give healthy attention that is sufficient to help us move forward, but without becoming obsessive or losing balance.
Do you have any recommendations for places to get good professional help?
To be sure, finding a therapist that is a good match for you can be a challenging task. There are many different views on pornography and how to find lasting freedom. It’s also important to be aware that some therapists may try to actively discourage you from worrying about this problem.
When you are finding a therapist, make sure you take time to research individual qualifications and ask their beliefs on this subject. If you are looking for a therapist to help you overcome pornography use, you may look for a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) or ask if they work with those looking to overcome pornography use. Then when you do go into the first session, make sure that you connect with your therapist, that you feel that they understand you and that the methods they will be using resonate with you.
Can the 12-Steps be helpful to overcome addiction?
Many people have found them to be of great help.
It feels a little scary to ask someone to help me like this. Any thoughts for me?
Some fear and uncertainty is pretty normal when you’re opening up with someone for the first time – even with someone you trust. So you’re definitely not alone in feeling this! Our surveys show that high percentages of people facing this problem feel similar fears or worries.
And some of those fears are precisely why many of us spend years not saying anything, not opening up to anyone – and just trying to face it all on our own. If you notice that tendency (toward isolating and avoiding), make a conscious decision about what is going to be best for getting you to a better place. If you think accountability will help, then it might be time to recognize (and embrace) that opening up and being vulnerable is inherently stretching for many of us. Are you okay with that? Will the benefits make it all worth it?
We think so. We’ve seen it happen over and over. We can’t tell you how many times someone told us that getting accountable was a crucial part of finding lasting freedom.
Maybe it will be for you too.
Let us know how it goes! Share your experience on the forum or comment threads of accountability videos – or send us a private email.
I’m worried that people I reach out to won’t be supportive or accepting if or when they find out about my struggle. Any thoughts?
That does happen sometime. While there are many people around us who can be invaluable supports, not everyone is great at providing support, being understanding or showing empathy. So it will be important to be thoughtful in who (and how) you choose to share with…
Some people feel most comfortable with someone who is professionally trained, while others prefer someone who shares their religious beliefs. Still others want to talk with a closer friend or family member. Many people have also found sharing with someone else who faces the same struggle a great way to ensure that real empathy is present.
If you’re unsure about whether someone will be a good fit for you, it can be helpful to ask questions to see what their views are and trust the feeling that you have inside you on when it feels safe to share. Loving support can be an incredible boost to those working to find lasting freedom from pornography. It is important to know who to reach out to for support.
In addition to finding a person that feels trustworthy and comfortable (enough), the way in which you share can also make a difference. Some people, for instance, feel they must share every detail to such a level that makes the conversation overly difficult or awkward for both people. Others are so concerned with looking good that they hardly touch on the full extent of what is happening.
You can only do what you can do, of course. And if you need to start small and more general, you can always work toward sharing more. That’s how it happens for most people.
Ultimately, this is supposed to be a help and support to your progress. So, after spending some time sharing and discussing with someone else, you can evaluate how and whether it is helping – and make some adjustments.
If you’d like an easier place to start, online sharing can help increase your courage. This is precisely one of the reasons platforms like Fortify offer community forums, as well as peer groups and coaching. Different people need different kinds of support.
While spouses and partners are not the ideal source of accountability, there’s also a power that can come from opening up those communication channels in a healthy, productive way. Related: Dealing with a husband porn addiction issue.
What’s the point of having real-life Allies involved in my recovery?
There’s a lot of support and help we can find online. That’s really why we exist! In some cases, people have few options in real life to talk with someone supportive. And in those cases, we’re glad that this community can and will be an ongoing support.
There’s something about in-person, face-to-face support, however, that has a power of its own. And that’s why we encourage it often.
Even though it can be scary, opening up and sharing this secret side of your life is one of the biggest step you can take toward freedom and recovery. Porn addiction and compulsivity thrives in secrecy and isolation. Opening up and being accountable to someone will pull a large weight off your shoulders and allow you to face this problem with help, rather than alone.
Many people struggle in silence, too afraid to speak out because they are afraid that others will judge them. If you find the right Ally, that person will be understanding and willing to help you in any way that he or she can. Remember that it takes courage to do what you’re doing, and to stay on this journey. Recognize this in yourself, and commit to doing whatever you personally need to find greater freedom….even if it’s hard!
Who should I choose to be my Ally?
Choose someone you trust to be there for you and show understanding and empathy. If we’re honest, that does include everyone! While there are many people around us who can be invaluable supports, not everyone is great at providing support, being understanding or showing empathy.
If you’re unsure about whether someone will be a good fit for you, it can be helpful to ask questions to see what their views are and trust the feeling that you have inside you on when it feels safe to share. Loving support can be an incredible boost to those working to find lasting freedom from pornography, so don’t give up if it’s not immediately easy to find!
Some people feel most comfortable with someone who is professionally trained, while others prefer someone who shares their religious beliefs. Still others want to talk with a closer friend or family member. Many people have also found sharing with someone else who faces the same struggle a great way to ensure that real empathy is present.
We recommend that your Ally is someone you know personally, and someone who you can speak with regularly.
In the case of teens, we recommend they consider parent or guardian figures. Youth we’re aware of have chosen their parents, religious leaders, adult family members, or another trusted adult.
How would you recommend I reach out and invite someone to be my Ally?
It can be helpful to set up a conversation by letting this person (you trust) know that you need a little time to talk about something important. If you need help breaking the ice see some example language below:
- Setting up the conversation: “Hey, can I talk to you for right now, or another time when you have a minute? You’re someone I trust and that’s why I’d like to talk about something that’s been on my mind. I think I might need your help with something I’ve been struggling with. I’ve tried to deal with this on my own for some time, but I’m realizing I might need some additional support.”
- Broaching the topic / inviting them to be an Ally: “This isn’t always easy to talk about, and in fact, I don’t remember the last time I opened up to someone about this. But for awhile now, I’ve been struggling with pornography. After trying to get away from this stuff by myself (and being unsuccessful), I realized how addictive pornography can really be. So recently I reached out for help. Among other things, I’ve learned there the value of getting someone like you involved. I’m not asking you to fix me or take on any sort of major responsibility. I just feel like I need to be accountable to other people, and I’m hoping that you can be one of those persons. How would you feel about that?”
