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I need to share what’s happened in my life with someone who may be hurt by what they hear. Any suggestions on preparing for that conversation?
Sharing tough things with people who might be challenged or hurt by them takes courage, empathy, and compassion for both yourself and the other person. Depending on how painful the circumstances are, you might consider getting help with this – to make sure your plan for sharing is one that will be most productive and healing.
While transparency and openness can make all the difference in healing from pornography addiction, it is important to pursue that in a way most likely to be productive and healing. Overall, it’s helpful to make sure that you have worked through your own feelings about what has happened enough that when someone else reacts or shares difficult emotions, you are able to hear them and not just react. To be more specific, are you able to hear, understand and even take responsibility for the hurt your actions may have caused?
Another thing to be thinking about is whether the person you are planning on sharing with also has resources that they can go to after you share to work through their own emotions. (Don’t be surprised if they don’t feel ready to do that with you).
Depending on the situation, it can also be helpful to find a third party such as a close friend, spiritual leader, or professional counselor to help navigate these types of difficult discussions. Related: Help spouse who admits they have a porn addiction.
Can I change without telling my spouse/partner about this? I’m worried that telling my spouse/partner will just hurt him or her more.
This is an important question. And it shows you really are showing some sensitivity to their feelings. There’s no doubt: how and when you share with your loved one will make a real difference. Generally speaking, the sooner you can be upfront with them the better. So we’d encourage you to proactively explore what it will take to get there. But it’s also true that you need to be in the right place to be able to do that. And that can be an important process in and off itself.
How would you suggest I start sharing with my spouse?
That’s an important, and nuanced question. How exactly and when you decide to share can make a difference for your partner or spouse. Here are a few ideas to get the juices flowing:
- Consider their needs – Consider asking the questions: “What do you need from me…right now?” Or, “Look, I’ve done something hurtful. I want to understand what this has been like for you – and find out what I need to do to make this better.”
- Take responsibility – Consider what it would mean to own up to your own responsibility, stating what you did with no excuses or rationalizations
- Respond with understanding – When you are telling your spouse about hidden behaviors, it’s good to be prepared for the other person to feel some difficult emotions. If you can make space to hear whatever comes up (even hard emotions) and do your best to hear them out, it can make a difference in a good way.
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What role should my spouse or partner play in my recovery?
That depends almost entirely on your spouse or partner! This situation can be challenging enough that this is not an easy question to answer. Some spouses are in a place where they can be a support and a partner through this journey with you. Others need some time for their healing and hurt before they can provide this role for you. And some may never be able play a role at all. We recommend sitting and talking together about this role.
Do I need to tell someone every time have a setback?
Not necessarily. Many people report that some kind of accountability and support is very helpful in times of setback. But what exactly that looks like varies widely.
There may also be times when you need to process a setback on your own – not being around others so you can have the space and time to face it and think through things. This is not a bad thing, and can be a powerful practice. Be aware, though, that when you have a setback it is also easy to be self-critical and withdraw from connection. We have found that if you respond to a setback with self-compassion and recommit your energies into getting back on track it you can experience lasting freedom sooner. Confiding in somebody who will remind you to do this can be very helpful. Certainly, many people find alone time valuable in this process, but at some point, we also hope you can find someone safe and trustworthy with whom to share your journey.
My spouse/partner is devastated. What can I do?
Now that your spouse/partner is aware of what’s happening (to some degree), there are new opportunities for you to find healing together. How exactly to pursue that and what exactly your partner or spouse needs right now are going to be entirely depending on where this person is right now. Every person (and every relationship) is different – so a lot depends on being sensitive and attentive enough to what’s actually happening for them right now, what they are ready for, and what they need (and then finding ways of responding to that with empathy, love and understanding).
The tendency, of course, can be the opposite: reacting out of anger, when someone gets frustrated with us – or using the experience as justification for going right back to the porn. You’re likely going to need to face all these possibilities, and choose to do otherwise. As challenging as it might seem, we’ve seen people do this. Learn this. And overcome this.
Think about what you’re going to need to find the power and internal strength to do this. Whatever it takes – reach out to receive that strength.
Any advice for the spouse of someone struggling with porn addiction?
Get the support you need – and make sure you seek healing for yourself. This is a recovery not just for one person – but for two.